DEAR SIMON....

The words that I had been hearing from somewhere deep inside were now forming on my lips.
"I can't go on. I can't go one more day; not one more step!" I was there. I had come to the end of myself. I knelt by my bed and asked God to please take my life, don't let me wake up I said. I was crying out for help. I had cried out before, and though it seems He is sometimes silent, He is there. He is listening and help is one the way.

I crawled into my bed. My pillow now wet with tears, unable to sleep, I picked up a small thin paperback that I had purchased at the grocery store earlier that evening. It had been a horrible day, I had left work at my lunch hour and was unable to return because I simply could not stop crying. I had reached my breaking point. My burdens were now more than I could carry. I left in tears barely able to drive and made my way to the church, hoping to find someone to talk with but found no one there at that time.

I drove to the grocery store to pick up some steamed shrimp and a baked potato ; as was my usual custom on the weekends when my husband would have the kids. We were separated and in the middle of what would become a three year long divorce battle. On those weekends I would sit alone in my little apartment and watch a movie while eating my shrimp. And for a few hours I was able to take the focus off my situation and loose myself in a movie.

I would do ok until the movie was over and it was time to go to bed. Then the thoughts and fears would creep back in and I would find myself consumed with the fear of loosing my children in the trial.

I had moved out of our home. I was living in a small apartment with my four children and found myself the sole provider. During those years leading up to the trial I did not receive any financial help from my husband for the children. We were married for fifteen years before the separation. I had stayed home to raise the children and for the majority of those years I did not work outside of the home. I had one year of Bible college that did not leave me much opportunity for a career.

There were so many responsibilities; from taking the kids to school every morning and picking them up every afternoon. Along with all of the other activities that kids are involved in. We lived in a neighborhood where three out of the four of my children attended different schools for which there were not school buses. So I sat in long lines at three schools every morning and every afternoon. While I tried to maintain a job, prepare for court, cook the meals, wash the clothes; and not to mention things like trips to the doctors office, the dentist office, field trips and my favorite...that midnight trip to Wal-mart because someone forgot something that they absolutely had to have before school the next day. The List was endless.

The greatest burden seemed to be financial, or maybe it was just everything all rolled together and sitting atop my shoulders. For whatever reason this particular day I had come to the end of myself and while in the grocery store this little book had caught my eye. I can't tell you what the name of the book was, I don't remember; but I can tell you that it had some message of hope on the cover that compelled me to pick it up. So with my last dollar I bought it.

That night as I began to read, one statement jumped off the page and into my heart. The author told the story from the bible in which Christ was carrying His cross to Calvary. How He stumbled under the weight of it. Christ, like myself had been beaten down and could not go another step. But just at that moment a man named Simon stepped in and carried His cross for Him. The author went on to say "watch and see, when your in your darkest hour and you can't go one more step; God will send your Simon." I was suddenly filled with overwhelming hope. I received it in my spirit. I knew that God had heard me and that my Simon was indeed on the way. I was able to return to work the next day, I had told no one what I had experienced the night before.
The next afternoon the phone rang and it was my sister-in-law, Lee. She asked me if I would gather all of my bills and monthly expenses and bring everything to her house that night. I said I would.

That night when I arrived at her home, I found that she had called all of by brothers and sisters along with their spouses to her home for a meeting, before I was due to arrive. When I came in they asked me to give them all of my bills. They told me that they loved me and how they had decided as a group to take over all of my bills; all of my monthly payments and whatever else I or the children might need they would provide. At the end of the meeting they told me that my instructions were to lay back in the arms of Jesus and relax. Even now as I type those words these many years later it brings tears to my eyes. I left there that night without the burden on my shoulders,with hope in my heart and a song of praise on my lips. That night as I got on my knees and thanked God for what had happened I suddenly remembered the Simon story I had read the night before and knew that God had indeed sent me my own Simon to carry the burden for me.. I got up and began writing a thank you letter to my Simon and this is what it said.

Dear Simon,(Rick& Lee - Bill& Julie - John& Jennie - Sonny& Debbie - Mark & Angie - Mom & Dad) In Matthew we read the story of Christ carrying His cross to Calvary. The story tells us of how the weight of His cross became more than Christ could carry in His own flesh. How Jesus stumbled and fell under the weight of His own cross. Weakened from the beatings he had received, he was physically unable to carry his cross any further. At that moment Simon of Cryrene stepped in to carry it for Him. It gives me great hope to know that Jesus understands when our cross or our load becomes to heavy for us to carry all alone. To know that Jesus knows what it feels like to be pressed to this point.

God could have supernaturally lifted the cross and magically levitated it all the way to Calvary, but He did not. Yet God put Simon there, ready to play his part . God was not caught by surprise when His son could no longer carry His cross. God knows that not one of us can carry it all in our own strength. Jesus tells us in John 15:5 "without Me you can do nothing." So He ask us to take up our cross and struggle on with them until we learn that it is not by our might nor our power nor our strength,but it is by His power. This is what the Bible means when it says that His strength is made perfect in our weakness. His strength is our hope. The cross is meant to break us,to drain us of all human effort apart from Him. God can not take over until we come to the point where we cry "God I am to weak to do this in my own power, my strength is gone...Help."
For over a month I prayed specifically "Lord I want to be debt free. I can no longer carry this burden alone." On Monday of last week I fell under the burden of my cross, I cried "Lord I don't want to go on anymore, let this world pass me by. Let my dreams all fade and let me be nothing but an obedient servant Take over Lord and lift my load." This is when the Lord stepped in and whispered "Let me carry your load, and God sent you, my Simon. I love you all and as I write this the tears fall for I fear you will never know what you have done for me. The Love of God manifest itself in you.

I made copies of the letter, rolled them up and tied a ribbon around each one. I drove to each house that night and put the letter in their mailboxes.
For over a year they carried my cross and I saw the love of God in them. Those were hard times, hard years for me but I would not trade them. For out of the depths of pain flowed the depths of love. Don't miss an opportunity to experience Gods love for you, take it all to the foot of the cross, give it to Him, He's familiar with our sufferings and He is there, waiting and watching for you.